Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
