The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Randomize
