I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
