I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
