The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
