Don't EVER smell your tampon
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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