At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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