We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
