every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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