How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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