i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
