I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Your dad touched me again.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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