Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
