Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
