I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
