the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
