how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Drunk is not a location!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
