checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
