Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
