I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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