can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
