if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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