She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize