My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
