Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
