listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
