So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
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