god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i think my cat just said my name.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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