No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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