I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is Oprah even human
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
