Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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