i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
