Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
