I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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