when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
