Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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