So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
