dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
