we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize