I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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