if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
