Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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