wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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