Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize