I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
