why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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