I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize