That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
