my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
