i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
