I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
