i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
