I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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