I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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