I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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