did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
