thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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