White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
