I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
