I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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