i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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