actually, I'm a sock model
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize