when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
