Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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