A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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